jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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