i think my tv is drunk
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Is it penis luge time yet?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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