Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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