ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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