apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
