I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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