shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
