do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
