Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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