my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
