My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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