i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
