Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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