ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
