There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
