dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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