I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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