I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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