I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
