And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
