Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
