went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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