I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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