Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
