Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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