So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
