So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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