Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
