You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
