We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
