apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I party with great urgency now.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
