Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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