Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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