He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize