A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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