You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
