I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
