a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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