made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
