On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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