Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Randomize
