Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
