ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
