I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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