His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
