Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
