Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
