He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
