well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
