I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
