If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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