I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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