I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
