Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
