If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
