Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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