plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
