Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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