Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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