Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
