It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
