Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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